Everybody Poops Together

I had to chuckle at the mundanity of it. Before First Meeting if I was told I'd be medically examined by aliens, I'd have imagined ominously hovering UFOs, bright lights, and then waking up in a ditch four hours later one or two internal organs lighter. Yet here I was, on my way to do just that, but the atmosphere couldn’t be more… suburban, for lack of a better word.

Food sellers to my left and right barked their best sales pitch at me, most in heavily accented Commonthroat. They assumed a human wouldn't bother learning Hearthsider, but knowing the local language is why I was picked to be the first live volunteer patient. It'd be like an alien landing on Earth asking to learn a human language, and after refusing English and Spanish and Mandarin they said "Nah, I want to learn to speak Icelandic." They'd be laughed at. I certainly was.

I guess all those lectures in a nearly empty classroom paid off, because the clinic that did all the cadaver dissections turned out to be a sleepy little town on Hearthside. Maybe in a hundred years somebody will get a new liver grown from my DNA.

I passed a group of older pups lounging on perches off the main path.

One of them came up to me. It sounds weird calling him a pup; he was old enough to be my father. I could hear his fellows urging him on. “Friend,” he said in heavily accented Commonthroat. I flashed my teeth in a jovial American smile. This apparently is what the lad was looking for. “See!” he barked back at his companions, “I told you. Humans DO have fangs, they’re just really small!”

“yeah sure,” said one of the others, “but how can they eat meat with such small teeth?”

“Only one way to find out.” My interlocutor reared up on his hind feet and reached toward his fellows with a paw. One of them rummaged through a cloth-covered basket and grabbed a morsel of… something, then tossed it at him. He caught it and held it up to me. “Eat, friend!”

I took it before registering what it was. It was small, furry, and dead. It looked a bit like a chipmunk, if chipmunks had blue and yellow fur. I evidently was spending too much time scrutinizing it, as my interlocutor grunted in protest. “You a puppy-gut? Can’t eat a raw zap rat?”

“Not with those teeth,” said the one who tossed him the rodent.

“Are you trying to win a bet?” I sighed in English. He merely continued to stare at me. Do I really want to eat this thing? Raw? I had eaten a nightcrawler on a dare once when I was a kid. This couldn’t be any worse. I glanced over my shoulder at the clinic. I was already going to the doctor. If I got sick they’d probably know what to do, right? Or they better after cutting up all those human cadavers.

I popped the creature in my mouth and swallowed it whole, barely letting it touch my tongue.

“Ha!” said the pup next to me. “They are meat eaters!”

“That doesn’t count,” protested one of his fellows. “He didn’t bite down on it.”

As they argued back and forth, I felt my impromptu snack slither down my throat, then came a jolt as though I had swallowed a 9-volt rather than a dead rat.

My stomach began protesting almost immediately. I glared at the boy and cursed myself for succumbing to peer pressure. He merely flicked an ear in a hasty goodbye then scampered back to his friends, where they continued to debate the finer points of human dentition. I turned and headed to the clinic, my stomach making its displeasure known through noisy gurgles. “I better not need a change of undies,” I thought as I ducked through the door to the healer’s office.

Behind the exterior doors was a sort of mud room. To one side was a shallow pool for washing paws, barely ankle deep. Next to it was a small shelf, a sign hung above it written in perfect English. “Welcome, human visitors! Remember, our hands are also our feet. Please help keep this clinic clean by removing your footwear before entering. --St. Starlight’s House of Healing. 🐾”

I placed my sneakers on the shelf and ducked through the curtain leading to the waiting room. Despite the poster’s exhortation to cleanliness, the musty smell of a kennel hung in the air. That’s not to say the place wasn’t clean, well, as clean as a species with constantly shedding fur can make such a high traffic public area. I didn’t mind the smell at all. It reminded me of the animal shelter where I picked out my first dog when I was little. It smelled like a friend.

Perched next to the wall under a beautifully written icon of the clinic's patron saint were a handful of monkey foxes, a family by the looks of it. Three adults—two sires and a dam, travelling with three of their pups, all girls, much younger than the lads out in the square. All three girls started yipping excitedly upon seeing this hairless ape duck through the doorway. Twelve paws scrabbled on the slick tile to be the first to interact with me.

«Wow, wow,» said one, peering behind me. «Lookie, he really has no tail.»

«See,» said the second, her nose pointed at my stockings. «No thumbs on his rear paws. Is it true you stand on your hind legs all the time, mister?»

«Just that patch of fur on top of your head?» queried the third. «Is that why you wear those covers like a healer?»

«No, look, sis» barked the first, gesturing with her muzzle up at the meager hair covering my arm, «He does have fur, just not a lot of it.»

«Now now, my delights, don’t bother the gentleman,» chided one of their sires. They scampered back to their parents. The sire dipped his head in apology. I smiled and did the same to show I wasn't offended.

My stomach churned. Hearthsiders were an unhurried bunch, even by the standards of other yinrih, a species with all the patience you'd expect from someone who lived over seven centuries on average. I had expected a wait, but didn't account for being hounded by the call of nature.

I strapped my synth to my hand and began fingering the keys like I was playing a guitar.

«How old are they?» warbled a tinny voice from the anemic speaker.

The sire's ears perked up and his eyes opened wide, as near as a monkey fox can get to an excited smile, surprised to hear a human speaking his native throat. «In Terran years? Let's see.» He tilted his head to the side and scratched his ear with a rear paw. «Late teens or early 20s, I think. There's three more where that came from, all boys. They're at the market with our other dam. These three are here for a checkup»

«Six little ones all at once.» I tried to make the synth sound impressed. «That's got to be a lot, even with two moms and dads to spread the load.»

«They're a pawful, alright, especially these three. He looked at his daughters, his ears flattened in disapproval. After being robbed of her strange playmate, one of the girls had begun thumping the wall with her tail, and through the endurance that only youth can provide, would continue her little game despite her father's objections for the remainder of my time waiting.

«But I wouldn't trade this time for the world. Only fifteen more years before adolescence kicks in and they start thinking they know everything and their fur will stop bullets. Right now the world is still new and wonderful. They were just learning about humans in school, and they haven't been able to talk about anything else. I'm sure you'll be the only thing in their ears and out of their throats for the next two weeks.

«You are the first human they've seen. First I've seen, in fact... well first live human, if you'll excuse me.»

I dipped my head to show he was in fact excused. «Yeah, all those cadavers. That's why I'm here, actually. The healers want live human subjects now, and somebody has to get probed for the sake of all mankind.»

He tilted his head trying to process my joke, but decided not to ask for clarification. I had been assured the healers would be doing nothing of the sort, of course. The only clothing I'd be removing was already sitting on that shelf in the entry room.

He sniffed the air. «It's true what they say about the scent of humans. You smell very...» the next word was impossible to translate. The closest thing any of the Hearthsider-English dictionaries I'd ever seen could come was "pleasant but inedible", but that barely scratched the surface. Hearthsider, like all monkey fox languages, had a myriad of ways of describing odors. In any case, the word came out to a compliment.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, trying to ignore the increasingly urgent churning growls coming from my gut. I wouldn't be smelling pleasant for long if I didn't find a bathroom soon.

The heat didn't help matters. Focus hung low on the horizon, its golden rays pouring into the room through the large windows lining the entrance wall, turning the room into a greenhouse. In the time I had been here the shadows cast by the doorframe hadn’t moved an inch, and they never would. On Hearthside, the time of day changed with the latitude. Golden Hour city sat comfortably on the terminator dividing day and night.

If the foul brew festering in my colon and the wicked sun weren't enough, my hand had begun cramping from operating the synth. I removed the device and gave my hand a few shakes.

«Are you OK?» asked the sire.

I decided to be blunt. «Not really. I desperately need to use the bathroom.»

«Please, allow me. You rest your paw.»

He hopped down from his perch with a sharp clack of his claws on the tile and walked up to the counter. Perched behind it was a fawn-coated receptionist, her HUD specs sitting halfway down her muzzle flashing reflected sunlight back in my face.

«Excuse me, ma’am.»

She slid her HUD specs further down her muzzle. She hadn't heard a word we were saying. «I told you folks when you came in that we were having network problems. My paws are tied until it gets fixed.»

«My friend here is looking for--»

She whipped her head to one side and barked «Calmwind, is the network back up yet?!»

Through a curtain dividing an adjoining room a dusty gray snout poked out, twitched a few times, then its owner waddled forward. The white noise of server cooling fans escaped the room as he pushed the curtain aside. He was definitely a fair ways up the chonk chart. I think this was my first time seeing a fat monkey fox. He panted a few times as though the effort of walking ten feet from his little techie cave was too much.

«And I told YOU,» said Calmwind as though he had been part of the conversation from the beginning, «It’s not a network issue. The payment processor is down.»

«I don’t think—» she said, but Calmwind snapped back as though venting years of pent-up frustration.

«Look, It’s not the network, okay? I swear it’s always the network with you people. Broken heat pump fan? Network must be down. Light flickering in the bathroom? Better call Calmwind, it’s the network again. What does he get paid for anyway?»

I made my way up to the front of the room, ducking my head to avoid the ceiling fixtures. This building wasn’t built for someone who stood over 30 inches at the shoulder. The sire gave me an unreadable look which I chose to mean “Is this seriously happening right now?” Then he shot a glance back at the other two members of his childermoot. The remaining sire and dam hopped down from their perches and herded their pups out the front door to spare them this public display of office politics.

Meanwhile, Calmwind had plucked the HUD specs from the receptionist’s muzzle. «See, I told you, you’ve been browsing the internetwork this whole time. It’s not a problem on our end. You need to send a message to the payment processor.»

«I’m a receptionist, not an office manager, I get one paycheck but everyone expects me to do the work of two people!» she hissed.

“Thanks for trying,” I sighed in English, shrugging at the sire standing next to me. He flicked his ears back, returning my shrug with his species’ own gesture of resignation.

A loud grumble issued from my gut, catching the attention of all three yinrih.

«Are you feeling well?» asked Calmwind, out of breath from arguing.

“Are YOU feeling well, big chungus?” I said under my breath in English, then put my synth back on and continued in Hearthsider. «Pardon me, but do you know where the restroom is?»

«It’s a bit down the hall and to the right,» he said, tossing his muzzle to one side indicating the hallway nearby.

I ducked into the hallway and started jogging, I caught one last snatch of conversation from the waiting room before turning the corner. The sire, in an attempt to de-escalate, changed the subject. «Amazing how fast they can run on just those two long hind legs of theirs.»

«I know, right?» answered Calmwind, «and with no tail for balance and as tall as they are, you’d think they’d be falling over all the time.»

I rounded the corner and was met with another long hallway. My gut rumbled in protest again. My jog had made my situation even more dire. I continued at a brisk walk, accumulating a few bruises on my forehead from the fixtures hanging from the ceiling. Finally, I came to another doorway. I could hear running water from behind the thick curtain. I could wait no longer.

I pulled the curtain aside and stuck my head through the doorway. Another washing pool sat to the left of the entrance under a flickering light. Wading amid the water washing her paws was a healer. My face reddened. Before I could make a discrete exit, she turned and noticed me.

«Ah!» she chuffed cheerfully. «Light shine upon you, friend!» She hopped out of the water and trotted up to me, leaving a trail of wet paw prints in her wake. «You must be my human volunteer. My name’s Doctor Shortclaw.» She extended a dripping wet paw to initiate a human handshake.

I hesitated. This wasn’t the response I expected to a man bursting into the women’s bathroom.

She extended her paw further. «This is the right way to do it, yes? Right forepaw, digits extended, palm facing to the side?»

“Yes, ma’am—er doctor,” I said in English before hastily grabbing my synth and repeating my confirmation in Hearthsider. I reluctantly accepted her waterlogged handshake. «I’m so sorry,» I hastily dried my hand on the curtain, «I must have the wrong bathroom.»

She tilted her head in confusion. «Wrong bathroom? This is the only one on this floor.» I slipped back into the hallway. The sign over the door, overlooked in my earlier haste, simply said «WASHROOM», with no qualifiers. Was this a private bathroom? She didn’t seem to object to my presence. Whatever the case, I needed to get her out of there before the chocolate factory had a meltdown.

I brought the rest of my body through the doorway. We were standing in a vestibule, the washing pool was off to the left in an alcove. The wall to the right was adorned with pictures, an air freshener, and a cabinet marked with the universal yinrih symbol for health and medicine, a stylized female paw print. The floor was flagged with tiles of various shapes and textures, designed more to be pleasant to the touch of a yinrih’s bare paws than with an eye to visual congruity. A shallow lip separated the vestibule from the rest of the bathroom shrouded in darkness. The flickering light over the washing pool failed to illuminate the area where the toilet was.

I looked down at the little alien medical professional. The first thing a human normally learns about yinrih is that they're built for living in trees. That's where the _monkey_ in _monkey fox_ comes from, long sinewy prehensile tail, thick limbs and broad back, feet shaped like hands. But the thing about living in trees is you're waging a constant battle with gravity. Every one of those limbs has to be capable of not only supporting the weight of the rest of the body, all 80 pounds of it, but pulling it up as well. All this to say they're absolutely ripped under all that fur. Healers, including the good doctor Shortclaw, shed their fur to maintain hygiene, revealing their swole physique to the world. Grayish-black skin covered her paws and muzzle, becoming ruddy over the rest of her body. I caught a flash of saturated blue as she slid a pair of bandpass membranes over her eyes, scrutinizing my form under light far outside the human visible range.

Another rumbling burble emanated from my gut, causing her large hearthsider ears to perk up. «Fascinating,» she yipped, pulling a notepad from a band around her foreleg.

«Look, I really have to use the restroom,» I explained.

«Even better!» she barked. She flicked her writing claw a few times and began jotting down some notes. «Do you mind if I observe? I was fascinated by the human digestive system while studying your medical cadavers. I’m anxious to see how it operates live.»

“YES I MIND!” I burst out in English, causing her to flinch. «Sorry,» I synthesized, «If you want samples, I’ll give you samples, but I didn’t sign up to be stared at while I poop.»

«I see,» she mused. «That might be a problem.» She crossed the threshold separating the sink area from the rest of the bathroom. Motion-activated lights banished the darkness. For the first time I beheld a yinrih toilet, and I did not like what I saw.

For starters, I was very wrong about it being a private bathroom. Four stalls lined the left wall, though calling them “stalls” was exceedingly generous. They were mere partitions extending up from the floor, not even tall enough to obscure a yinrih’s head. None of them had doors, either. The toilets themselves were simple holes in the floor. What might have been toilet paper dispensers hung above each latrine, positioned to be manipulated by the tail. Most of the floor was lined with more of that mismatched tile, but the area immediately surrounding the latrine itself was coated in a uniform rough texture to tell the user backing into the stall not to plant a rear paw in the hole. There was a noticeable grade to the floor of each stall sloping backward into the toilet, which I assumed was to guide any errant excreta to its proper destination. Sitting in the far corner of the room was a standard yinrih perch, positioned so the user faced the stalls.

«Our bathrooms probably aren’t what you’re used to on Earth,» she said apologetically. «We’re inclined to be chatty while doing our business. We feel vulnerable while eliminating waste, and feel more comfortable when there are other group members watching out for us.

«This is a learning experience for both of us. My partners and I want to make this a human-friendly clinic, and any input you can give will help us make this place comfortable for both species. It sounds like humans need privacy when using the washroom, is that right?»

«Yes, doctor.» I nodded vigorously for emphasis.

«I see, I see,» she whined softly to herself, writing down more notes. «We’re planning to make major renovations to accommodate your height.» She craned her neck upward to look at my head tilted forward to avoid hitting the ceiling. «I’m sure we can install species-appropriate facilities as well.»

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, which Shortclaw noticed immediately. «But I suppose that’s not going to help you right now, is it? How’s this, I’ll stand outside the door and make sure nobody else comes in. Take as long as you need. Oh, and no need to worry about any samples.»

«Could you?» I answered. «Thank you very much.»

She turned and walked toward the doorway, but stopped at the cabinet on the wall. She took out a case from which she retrieved what looked like a PEZ dispenser. She waddled back to me on her hind feet and held it out toward me, motioning for me to hold out my palm. She pressed a button on top of the device and a silvery gray pill the size of a grain of rice dropped into my hand.

«If you'd be so kind as to swallow this for me. It's for some images I'll be taking.» I did as she asked, then she turned to leave, brushing the curtain aside with her snout. I waited for her long sinewy tail to slither out of sight, then turned to face my destiny.

I took a deep breath. Credit where credit is due, the place was immaculate. Everything from the grout between the tiles to the walls to the floors inside the stalls looked clean enough to eat from, and this room smelled by far the least canine. “OK, you can do this,” I told myself. “You were in the Boy Scouts, you know how to use a latrine, and you don’t even have to bury it this time.”

I entered the furthest stall from the doorway, undid my belt, squatted down, and prepared to restock the pond with corn-speckled brown trout. I waited, and waited, and waited some more. My colon had gone from Mt. St. Hellen to a space station airlock. “No big deal. I just need to relax.”

I let my mind wander as I surveyed my surroundings. There was another icon hanging near the entrance to the toilets, positioned to be visible from the stalls. The saint himself was all white save for a bloody maroon stain on his abdomen. He was reared up on his hind feet, an upturned drinking bowl under his right rear paw, reaching with his foreleg to pull a pup out of what looked like a pond of green sludge. Behind the saint’s head was the gilded arch which served as the Claravian answer to the halo.

I heard Dr. Shortclaw politely ward away one of her conspecifics. «Sorry, our human volunteer is in there.»

«Are you sure he’s OK in there by himself?» asked the interloper.

«He’s got Saint Clearwater looking after him.»

«Fair enough.» The click-clack of his claws had just faded away only to be followed by the sound of four more paws skittering toward the bathroom from the other end of the hall.

«OUT OF MY WAY!» barked an unfamiliar voice. To my horror, the curtain was thrust aside and a scrawny sandy-furred fellow burst into the bathroom. His momentum was checked only briefly as the good doctor’s paw grasped futilely at the tip of his tail, relieving it of a few hairs.

«STOP! There’s a--» Shortclaw barked, but the intruder had already vaulted over the threshold between the sink and the toilets in a stunning display of agility.

«MY TEETH ARE SWIMMING!» he shot back. He took up residence in the stall next to mine, laid his tail across his back, and started putting out a fire. After heaving a contented huff, he turned and became aware of my presence.

«Oh, a human!» He tapped the partition between us with a claw. «My name’s Coolsand. I’m a junior administrator here at the clinic. I think you saw my boss back in the waiting room.»

I suddenly became very interested in that icon hanging on the wall.

«Ah, that’s old Saint Clearwater. They say he watches out for folks who have to use the bathroom alone. Well, that’s what my sires told me growing up, anyway.»

I moved my gaze to the perch in the corner, staring at it as though it held the secrets of the universe, desperately willing my colon to finish the job. Coolsand did not interpret my silence the way I had hoped, and launched into a monologue.

«It’s kind of funny, how Saint Clearwater got associated with bathrooms. We don’t know much about his puppyhood, though I’d wager it wasn’t a happy one, given that the first records we have that mention him are police reports involving bar brawls and public drunkenness. He was an alcoholic, you see, that’s what the drinking bowl in the picture symbolizes.»

«Anyway, he eventually found himself in front of a judge. He was ordered to attend a recovery program hosted at a nearby lighthouse. By all accounts he put his whole gut into it, and seemed to be making progress, but eventually relapsed.

«This cycle would continue, where he’d try to get sober, fail, wander off, then show up at the lighthouse a few decades later seeking absolution. Since he wasn’t getting any better, the hearthkeeper eventually kicked him out altogether, assuming he wasn’t putting in the effort.

«He ended up homeless living in a local park, begging for food and getting his fix from the wild wind fruit bushes that grew in the area. This park became notorious, not just for hosting a perpetually liquored up bum, but also for stinking of raw sewage. Turns out that a sewer main had burst, filling an underground pond with, well--» he slapped the textured edge of the latrine with a rear paw.

«Anyway, one day, a bunch of pups were playing in this park. Some stories say they were a litter, others say it was a school on a field trip, and others say the pups were just local kids. Out of nowhere, this sinkhole opens up, and all the pups just fall into this massive lake of--» he slapped the latrine again.

«Now there were a ton of grownups around. These pups’ childermoot, their teachers, or whoever, but every account says that a bunch of bystanders saw this happen and just stared. They usually get painted as the villains, but you know, I’m not sure what I’d do if I were standing on their paw prints. They always tell you not to dive in after a drowning person, especially when you’re not trained for it, since they’ll pull you down with them and two people will end up dead instead of just one. And, besides--» for a third time the claws of his rear paw clicked against the side of the latrine.

«Anyway, out of nowhere, Clearwater, who’s stinking drunk mind you, runs up and starts pulling the pups out of the hole. He manages to get most of them, but there are still two struggling toward the middle. He dives in after them. Well, the pups are still panicking, so they push him under while trying to climb out. The kids are able to get out, but Clearwater ends up drowning.

«So this naturally makes the news, and Clearwater is hailed as a local hero. The hearthkeeper that kicked him out of the rehab program realizes that he genuinely tried to sober up, but just couldn’t do it. He did keep coming back, after all, and he did seem to try his best, but--»

«He kept falling off the wagon,» I interjected.

Coolsand executed a quizzical head tilt.

«Sorry, it’s a Terran expression.» I repeated the phrase in English and then again in Hearthsider.

«Well,» Coolsand continued, «That hearthkeeper has a change of heart and starts advocating for his canonization. And not just regular canonization, but she wants him declared a martyr. That’s what that blood stain on his belly means.

«So even though it’s a bit controversial calling him a martyr, since he didn’t die while trying to fulfill the Great Commandment, he gets the title anyway. He’s got quite the portfolio, as you can imagine. I suppose it’s pretty obvious, his connection with restrooms, if a little morbid. But you also see little statues of him in bars, as he’s said to help drunk people get sober.»

Coolsand’s hagiography finished, I quickly cleaned myself up and redid my belt, but he insisted on continuing the conversation.

«I’m really into human stuff, and so is Calmwind. We both know English. He’s the one who made that poster in the entry room. If I knew you’d be here I’d have brought my synth so I could practice. I really want to visit Earth some time.»

I walked out of the stall and made a move toward the washing pool. Coolsand quickly finished up and followed. A few seconds after we had vacated the stalls, there was a whirring noise, then a cascade of water smelling mildly of bleach rushed out of a grate spanning the entrance to the previously occupied stalls and rushed down the slope and into the latrine, simultaneously flushing it and sanitizing the floor.

“Well,” I said in English as I squatted in front of the washing pool scrubbing my hands, “Nice meeting you, Coolsand. But let me give you some pointers on men’s room etiquette whenever you visit Earth. Not sure how you’ll negotiate our toilets; I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But whatever you do, remember these words: shut up and stare straight ahead.”

«Wait, humans don’t chat in the restroom?» I could almost feel him blushing behind his khaki fur. «Did I offend you? I’m sorry if I did, It’s just--»

“No, no we do not.”

«So that’s why the old bald-back was guarding the door.»

“Yes… Look, it was nice meeting you, really, don’t sweat it—uh pant it—I mean don’t worry about it. I think these little psychological quirks that we don’t share stick out only because we have so much else in common.”

«I guess that’s what the Great Commandment means by ‘bone not of our bone and flesh not of our flesh’.»

“Just look out for that doctor next time. By the way, my name’s Greg.” I attempted the yinrih’s traditional greeting, patting myself on the abdomen twice with the left palm, then turned to leave.

Dr. Shortclaw was still standing outside. She looked up at me sheepishly.

«Sorry about that,» she said. «Like I said, we’re talkative in there. That’s why that perch is in the corner.»

«I hope you’re a better doctor than a bouncer,» I said as we walked down the hall to the exam room.